


Shine Like the Moon

by Ace_Of_Spades_2014



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Arguing, Comfort, Communication, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-16 17:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14169891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ace_Of_Spades_2014/pseuds/Ace_Of_Spades_2014
Summary: "Why can't you just be more like your siblings?" Magnus says during a heated argument, regretting the words instantly.





	1. Chapter 1

“Why can’t you just be more like your siblings?”

Suddenly, the tension in the loft was not only thick and putrid, but frozen, and Magnus couldn’t breathe. Hazel eyes stared in shock at the man before him. Then, with a rueful shake of his head and a low “screw you”, Alec was leaving. The door to the loft swung shut before Magnus had the mind to stop him. 

They had been arguing for over half an hour, the tension between them palpable and harsh though their voices had never risen. Magnus couldn’t even remember what exactly had started the argument, though he knew well enough that it had to do with the Institute and by extension the Clave. It probably hadn’t been that big of a deal really - certainly not worth the time and energy that had been wasted - but the warlock had had enough. For too long he had pushed aside his frustrations that Alec was still focusing too much of his attention on what the Clave wanted from him, denying both of them in the process. Too many times Alec’s duty to the shadowhunters had ended a beautiful evening together, had him coming into the loft looking for a favor to ask on the Institute’s behalf rather than a date, had shied away from the older man’s touch simply because there were eyes on them, had made ignorant mistakes because of the rigid and prejudiced manner that he had been raised in and still clung in some ways. 

Bitter and enraged, the warlock gathered his power and flung it across his decorative living room. An ornate clock and 17th century painting crashed to the floor. Glass scattered everywhere. Blue sparks emmanted from his black nailed fingertips, and he closed his eyes as the rest of his home was brought to ruin. 

He had known from the very beginning that dating a shadowhunter, especially one as repressed as Alec Lightwood, would be challenging. The trouble alone was the reason Alec was his first shadowhunter. There was just too much bigotry in that world to produce the kind of people that were not only decent but whose souls were attractive. 

Still, he had hoped that Alec would be different. Afterall, Alec had stepped away from a gorgeously golden Lydia and kissed Magnus in front of a room full of important and judgemental eyes. It had been that hope that had carried Magnus through those moments of doubts and nervousness, had given him patience to deal with the stress and grumpiness, and tried to understand the responsibilities that naturally fell upon the young man’s broad shoulders. 

It wasn’t until hours later, after his loft had been completely destroyed and his makeup was utterly ruined, that he stopped. Defeated by his own frustrations and shame, he reached into his pocket to touch the omamori charm that Alec had bought him just a few weeks earlier. Closing his eyes, he used his magic and the charm to locate his shadowhunter and created a portal to get to him. 

Unsurprisingly, the portal led him to a balcony. Alec had a tendency of seeking sanctuary in high, open places. What he had thought to find, though, was Alec to be shooting off his arrows into the sky. It had been a common enough sight to see: Alec training until his hands bled when the emotional pain was too much for him to handle. Instead, the tall, handsome shadowhunter was slouched against the brick wall of the balcony, his knees curved to his chest and his head bowed into the fold of his arms. 

“Alec…” Magnus called softly. It was painful to watch the young man give the briefest flinch at the sound of his name. All at once, the irritation that had boiled over disappeared. “Alexander?”

He didn’t dare step forward, afraid of the reaction he would receive. All he could do was stand nervously off to the side, staring down at this sad form of his boyfriend, and wait for Alec to decide where they go from there. He waited out the long, tense minutes that passed, until he couldn’t take the silence anymore. Fear gripped his heart at the thought that his impulsive insult had wrecked one of the most meaningful relationships he had had in all the centuries had lived, he whispered apologetically, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

It was just that at times he watched Jace and Isabelle live their lives as they were meant to be, performing their duties as the children of the Nephilim when needed, but also knowing when they just needed to say hell with the rules and went with their guts to do what they believed was right. There were times, when he saw this, that he wished Alec felt secure enough in who he was to be as free as they so obviously were. 

Head still buried in the folds of his arms and bent knees, Alec’s reply was almost too low to hear. “Do you know how hard it is to be the big brother to the best shadowhunter and the most beautiful, intelligent person there is?”

Guilt pressing into Magnus painfully, he stepped closer to the young man. Slowly, he sank to the balcony floor beside Alec, their elbows just a fingertip apart, careful to not make physical contact. 

“No matter how much I tried, I was never on their level. I always second best when it came to either of them. Where ever we are, whatever we’re doing, my little siblings always outshine me.” He sniffed, and Magnus hated to think that there were tears falling from usually stoic eyes as he continued to hide himself. “They shine like the sun, and I’m just the background sky.

“And I got used to it as I got older,” he was shrugging the thought off as if it weren’t a deeply seated insecurity that had been thrown at him in a moment of a heated argument. “That when either of them were in the room, no one would ever notice me. But then you came along, and you made me feel like I wasn’t just a part of the background anymore. You made me feel like I could shine too.” He shook his head with a scoff. “I’m so pathetic.”

Dark eyes were wet with unshed tears as Magnus wrapped his arm around the shadowhunter and rest his cheek against his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You do shine,” Magnus promised. “To me, you shine like the moon, lighting up the darkness.” All of his adoration and devotion was poured into his words, hoping they would be heard for the truth that they were.

Finally, Alec lifted his head and sad eyes peered into his dark brown. “So you don’t wish I was someone else?”

 

Magnus gave a small, guilty smile, “Oh, Raziel no. I chose you for all that you are.” When nothing was said in response, he continued, remaining honest but contrite. “My frustrations got the best of me, and I’m sorry for that. It’s just that it can be quite frustrating when you continue to do everything the Clave and the Institute tell you, despite having already proven that you can do better.” He sighed, “But that gave me no right to say what I did to you. “This is new, for both of us, and we both need to learn to be patient...and to compromise.”

The sadness slowly seeped away from beautiful hazel eyes, only to lower shyly. Pink dusted his cheeks and nose. “Sorry I overreacted,” he mumbled. 

“Being emotional is not overreacting Alexander. Now,” he stood, holding out his hand for the other to take, “how about we go back to the loft and simply enjoy each other’s company. No business to be discussed. Then tomorrow, if we still need to discuss anything, we can do so calmly.”

Alex nodded and took his hand. “Sounds good.” Almost nervously, he moved into the warlock’s space and kissed him chastely. 

Magnus smiled against the kiss. When Alec stepped back, the other kissed the side of his cheek, the caressed lovingly. “You, my beautiful shadowhunter, are my moon.”

“Does that make you my stars?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's thoughts about Magnus saying, "Why can't you be more like your siblings?" during an argument. (This isn't how I see Alec; only how I think he sometimes sees himself)

It was no secret that out of all the Lightwood children (adopted children included) that Alec was the least favored. Alec himself never thought this was so much as a deficit on his part; just that his younger siblings were by far the best at what they did, and were the best with seemingly little effort. Not only were they the best, but they were complete with actual personalities as well, instead of the soldier persona that Alec put forth. 

As soon as puberty hit, Isabelle was confidently beautiful. There had been no awkward stage for her as there had been for Alex, just a smooth transition from a little girl to a gorgeous young woman. It was the type of beauty that wasn’t only skin deep, but was also empowered by her pride, charm, and the knowledge that she had the ability to hold anybody’s heart in her palms to do with it as she pleased. 

In addition to being the most beautiful woman in the Institute (and beyond no doubt), Isabelle was wickedly brilliant. Alec himself was smart, and could stand his ground amidst intelligent conversation, but Isabelle didn’t just stand her ground. She soared above the minds of everybody she spoke to. She may not have utilized her intelligence to the obvious extent that she did with her looks, but anyone that knew her knew that the brains were there. Within the Institute, she was the one who pretty much took control of the security systems and technical aspects of their job, having done so the second she had been granted her first rune. She remembered almost everything she read, and could apply that knowledge critically to any situation she was presented with.

Then there was Jace, who, unpon living with the Lightwoods for a week, had been hailed as the perfect son. He had the looks, the charm, the skill, and the courage. In every way that Alec was lacking, Jace made up for in spades. It didn’t matter how much Alec trained or how much he improved, Jace would always be better. That had been the simple fact since Jace was 10 and Alex 12. 

So much worse than being the awkward, wallpaper older brother to a gorgeous, genius young woman, people always commented on how much better Jace was than Alec. The adults, including his parents, didn’t even care if Alec was in the room to hear them say so. Hell, there had been plenty of times that his parents had scolded him directly, “Why can’t you be more like Jace?”

Still, as much as it had damaged him as a teenager to hear such things, to know that he was nothing compared to his younger siblings, Alec had been able to soldier on. As the years went on, Alec had thought it was an insecurity that he had long since learned - forced himself - to overcome. 

They may have been better looking, had talents beyond belief, and confidence that shone so brightly that it blinded those close to them, but Alec had found his place that separated himself (at least in part) from his siblings. As Head of the Institute, his responsibilities were his own and thereby disconnected from the judgements concerning his sister and brother. It may have been a title that stressed him out, especially when he had been holding the position for his mother, but it had served the purpose of setting him apart. 

Yet that separation meant nothing when his boyfriend was taunting him bitterly, “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?”

Alec knew that the words had been said in the heat of their argument, and that Magnus hadn’t meant to cut him so deeply. He had seen the sincerity in dark brown eyes as he apologized for his insensitive comment, and Alec knew that there was little he could do but forgive the man. To be honest, Alec didn’t think there was anything Magnus could do that wouldn’t be forgiven. 

Forgiving Magnus only went so far, though, in terms of his own mental and emotional well-being. For Alec may have smiled at being called his moon, had accepted being pulled to his feet and into the warm embrace, and willingly gone to sleep beside the warlock, but in his head, all he could hear was, “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?”

Because it didn’t matter that the words hadn’t meant to be said. It mattered that they had been said. Which meant that on some level, Magnus had been thinking about it. 

Why couldn’t Alec be more outgoing? Less awkward, so that he wasn’t a mumbling mess of stutters as he stumbled over himself when in the High Warlock’s presence. Why couldn’t he be more attractive? Not lanky limbs and worn clothes. Why couldn’t he be more open to new ideas and willing to have fun once in awhile? Not just someone who allowed himself to fall into place, to be the soldier that he had been molded into. Why couldn’t he, in other words, not be him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add one more chapter in which Magnus figures out that just because Alec forgave him doesn't mean everything is okay with him, so then does his best to fix it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had to add another chapter from Alec's POV. His insecurities won't leave me alone.

“I’ll see you later?” Magnus asked with a tilt to his head and an expression caught between guilt and hope. 

Alec nodded and leaned down for a quick kiss. The two had returned to the loft the previous evening when Magnus had found his boyfriend on another balcony and broke down in sincere apology. With sweet kisses and reassurances that Alec Lightwood was most definitely his moon, and no one else could ever compare to him in Magnus’ eyes, they had drifted to sleep. Morning had found Alec already in the kitchen brewing coffee, getting ready to head out to the Institute for the the day. The air between them seemed as easy as it normally was, as if there had been no turmoil the evening before.

“I’ll be here after I’m done. I love you.” There was another quick peck and then the shadowhunter was gone. 

The evening before had not been the first major fight they had had. They had plenty of arguments that had gotten been blown out of proportion, and with the exception of their break up, these fights were usually over fairly quickly. One of them apologized, the other granted forgiveness with a gentle understanding caress, and then all seemed to be forgotten.

Alec wasn’t sure how other relationships worked, but he had always supposed that their method worked for them. Afterall, the first time that an argument had carried on further was the time that Magnus later informed him that they were officially over. There was always a part of Alec that feared that if he made a bigger deal about something (like the snide remark of “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?”) that the High Warlock of Brooklyn would think their relationship was too much effort and walk away as he had done before. So, really, Alec tried to reaffirm for himself, these quick make-ups were what worked best for them. 

He was having a harder time convincing himself of that now. Because now, after having heard the sincere, poetic apology, and offering his forgiveness, Alec still felt awful. It was a different kind of awful than usual, however. Usually, as they spent their time of anxious quiet after an argument, Alec had one of two internal struggles: either he was silently bitter towards the warlock for maybe the next few hours, or more often than not he was too busy berating himself for making yet another mistake and irritating his boyfriend. This time there was no bitterness or guilt. There was only a sickening feeling of complete worthlessness.

He went through the day in a daze. Those at the Institute didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary about him. Alec had spent too many years perfecting the art of pretending that his insecurities didn’t affect him. Or maybe it was that he always acted tense and on guard, as if a single hit could bring him tumbling apart, so there was nothing to notice.

The whole day he had to shake away the haunting words; “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?”

Why couldn’t he be more like Isabelle, who sauntered past the men to Alec’s side with a dazzling grin. She gave her report to him with a regal demeanor, concluding that the demon she had been in charge of tracking had been taken care of. Then, business done, she was leaning into his space to inquire into personal matters, laughter in her sweet tone. 

Because that was who Isabelle was; a dutiful Shadowhunter would could separate her job from who she was as a person. Who could be one of the best and still be herself. Who, despite the shadows that surrounded her, shone like the sun that she was. 

“Hey, any new missions to assign us boss?” Jace was strolling up to them with his cocky swagger, wagging his eyebrows at Isabelle in their own personal, running joke.   
The blonde Shadowhunter must have just finished training, because he was drenched in sweat, his skin glistening and his shirt damp and tightened around the muscles of his biceps and abs. He now stood beside them with his arms crossed and a smirk in place.

Alec shook his head as an answer to the question, glancing briefly to study his parabatai. Jace was the type to stand out in a crowd, mundane or Shadowhunter, a brilliant light that overpowered the darkness. Who was the kind to go into something with all his heart, and who wouldn’t allow anything to get in his way. His passion and determination was obvious in the way he did everything, whether it was being a god with a seraph blade or just standing there grinning at his siblings restlessly. 

“Great,” his eyes sparked excitedly. “So does that mean we all have the night off?”

“I suppose so,” Alec answered suspiciously. 

By now, Isabelle was wearing the same grin as Jace, seeming to understand what the blonde’s excitement could mean, though Alec was at a loss. “So, rave tonight?”

Alec frowned. 

Isabelle practically thrummed with an abundance of energy. “A downworlder rave? They’re always the best.”

“Of course. So,” he was looking mostly to Isabelle. “You in?”

“Obviously.”

It occured to Alec that Jace was just asking him to be polite. Now that the question had been asked, though, Jace was giving the majority of his attention to Isabelle. It was Isabelle that would obviously agree to attend, and then they, along with Clary and Simon and Maia, would have a wild night out. A night in which they would shine and catch everyone’s eyes. A night that they would live to the fullest, not caring about the consequence like Alec was wont to do.

A night that Magnus would certainly enjoy, rather than being stuck in the loft with his killjoy shadowhunter boyfriend. 

“Me too.”

“What?” Both pairs of eyes stared at him as if he had suddenly sprouted a second head. 

“I’ll come to. It should be fine.” He nodded, trying to not convince them but also himself. “I’m sure Magnus will know where this downworlder rave would be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise the next chapter will be Magnus for sure, wondering why Alec is acting so un-Alec.   
> Thanks Achmanno for the suggestion.


	4. Chapter 4

Magnus’ last client had left over an hour ago, and since then the warlock had been impatiently waiting for his boyfriend’s return. Alec had messaged him earlier saying that he would be a little later than usual, but the waiting was torture. There was something that was going off inside of Magnus that needed to see Alexander that instant to make sure that everything was okay.

When Alec did arrive, Magnus could sense his presence just outside the door, but instead of walking in as he normally did, he seemed to be standing there anxiously. Magnus moved forward to open the door for him, crinkling his nose as he wondered why Alec wasn’t just coming in. The wards had long since been adjusted to accept this specific shadowhunter, and the gorgeous man had an open invitation into the loft. That was a fact that Alec had seemed to understand. He always just walked in, moving straight to where Magnus was.

Before Magnus got to the door to open it, Alec had overcome whatever had been keeping him from entering. He swept inside with an air of purpose and planted a chaste but intense kiss on the other’s lips. The older man smiled into the kiss, put at ease by the easy routine. This was how Alec always greeted Magnus, and it had quickly become his favorite and most anticipated moment of the day. Pushing away the concern of why he would have paced outside, the caring kiss was reassuring. 

Then Magnus stepped back to appraise the shadowhunter. His dark eyes roamed lustfully over the firm, muscled body before him. He cocked his head slightly at what he saw. He distinctly remembered his boyfriend leaving the loft this morning in the usual worn attire; not in these extremely tight black pants and a dark shirt with midnight purple swirls at the sides that clung to his abs and chest, and displayed quite nicely the shape of his biceps. 

“Trying a new look?” Though the change of attire sent off warning bells, Magnus smiled in appreciation at the man’s beauty. He knew how insecure Alec could get about his body, and he didn’t want him to doubt himself. “Any special occasion?”

A dark blush spread across Alec’s cheeks and the bridge of his nose. Magnus always thought it adorable when Alec got shy around him. It usually meant stammering. “Um, well, I, uh, I thought we could go to a club. Jace says there’s a downworlder rave tonight.”

 

The warlock’s eyes were wide with surprise. Apprehensive, but trying to hide it, he said, “A rave? I didn’t really think that was your type of scenery?”

Alec shrugged, doing his best to not appear sheepish. Hazel eyes were cast off to the side. “It’s your type of scene. And I want you to be happy.”

Magnus smiled again, gently stroke Alec’s cheek. “I am happy. With you.”

Usually when Magnus took the initiative to caress Alec’s face, the young man would blush and duck his head and all would be right with them once more. This time none of those things happened. Instead, Alec seemed to take the simple touch and words as a challenge. He straightened himself, looked straight into his boyfriend’s eyes, and stated, “I want to go to this rave with you. It’ll be fun.”

In the end, the warlock agreed. Against his better judgement, he portaled them just outside the club and they walked inside with their arms interlocked. The others were at the bar. Jace and Clary were speaking to one another, their heads close together over their glasses. Simon and Maia stood near the counter, close enough to be a part of the group, but having enough space to dance comfortably. Isabelle was sipping her glass slowly, her eyes roaming hungrily over the crowd. 

For the first couple of minutes Magnus and Alec stayed with the group at the bar counter. They talked and drank and everything was fine. 

Being where they were was all at once comfortable - having their friends with them - and fun. The music was loud and had a good beat to it. The alcohol was a good mix of strong and delicious. People around them were enjoying themselves and it was contagious. 

Months ago Magnus wouldn’t have been content to just stand off to the side watching others dance and seduce. He’d have been the center of attention and would have loved every moment of it. Months ago, however, he hadn’t had a beautiful boyfriend that had captured his attention. 

He had thought they would continued like this. Even when the others pushed away from the bar counter to join the crowd of dancers, Magnus figured he and Alec would stand side by side and enjoy each other’s company. He knew well enough that this really wasn’t Alec’s scene (he’d seen the boy’s expression the first time they’d gone to a downworlder rave), and just hoped that being near each other would be enough for his boyfriend. 

Alec seemed to have different plans. Not much longer after the others went their separate ways to intermingle among the seelies, werewolves, and warlocks, Alec was dragging him to the dance floor too. Magnus smiled at the assertive behavior, though he was curious by it. Alec often took the opportunity to take charge of their time together, but very rarely did he do so in public. 

Once on the dance floor, Magnus tried to circle his arms around his boyfriend, thinking they would sway close to one another, ignoring the way those around them grinded against bodies and glided intimately. What he was not expecting was Alec to step closer into him and turning around so that his firm back was against Magnus’ front. 

The first thought - or rather sensation - was that this was amazing. Alec was moving against him in a way that was absolutely entrancing. The second thought was to briefly glance around them to see if anyone’s attention was on them. Whatever mood Alec was in right now that was causing him to act so uncharacteristically would certainly turn to embarassment and the less people who were aware of this the best. For Alec’s self-perseverance. No one was looking. They were all too busy doing exactly same thing as him. The third thought was wondering why Alec was behaving like this. Where was his shy and stumbling shadowhunter? What had convinced him to go out to a rave and lose all his inhibitions? 

Before Magnus had the chance to think through it, Alec was twisting around him, every inch of his body touch the warlock’s. Sensually, the young man leaned closer - as if it were possible - and kissed him passionately. 

It wasn’t just the intense make out session in the middle of a very public area that surprised Magnus; it was the sudden taste of overwhelming alcohol.

In his drunken state (how had Magnus not noticed this before?), Alec took longer than he would have to realize that he wasn’t being kissed back. Holding onto his arms but backing away from the kiss, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

Brows cinched together in confusion. “I’m kissing you.” He smiled, a goofy grin that was so obviously a sign of too much to drink. “And dancing.”

“Well yes, I can see that. It’s just,” Magnus gently took hold of Alec’s biceps to not only steady him but to put a comfortable distance between them while still being close. He really couldn’t have the young man touching him at the moment. He couldn’t be distracted from what he needed figure out. “It’s not like you.”

As soon as he said it and saw the momentarily look of dejection, Magnus regretted his choice of words. All at once, he realized what was going on. Then he immediately chided himself for having taken so long to understand. Gently, he spoke, “Let’s go back to the loft, hmm?” He smiled sweetly, hoping Alec would agree readily. 

Unfortunately, the response was a frown. “You’re not having fun?”

“Oh, I am. I just think we’ll have more fun at home.”

The insinuation was clear enough for even a drunk Alec to understand. Magnus took his hand and led him out to the alleyway. When they were outside, he created a portal and they stepped through to the otherside where the loft was. 

Alec moved in again for a kiss, one that would no doubt lead to just the activity that Magnus had so subtly suggested. Magnus held up a hand to pause the action. “I think we should talk first.”

The shadowhunter pouted. “I thought we were going to have fun.” He tried again to step into Magnus’ space and accost him. “I can have fun.”

“I know you can have fun.” Magnus whispered, side-stepping the kiss. “I have fun with you.” He caressed Alec’s cheek, knowing that it was a touch that often calmed the other, Magnus guided him to the couch. Still keeping in gentle contact, he tried to explain what he realized he should have treated with much more care than he had. “But you have to understand that what we have is so much more than just fun.”

Not like so many of the other relationships he had over the hundreds of years where it was only just for fun. 

“I wasn't lying before Alexander. You are my moon.” He shushed away the doubts that could see about to leave his boyfriend’s lips. “The light in my darkness. Beautiful and mysterious. Dazzling really.” He took a deep breath, gaining enough emotional energy to apologize. “It was wrong of me to say what I did the other night.” 

He didn’t want to say it out loud, least it push Alec further into his spiraling descent of insecurity. The words didn’t need to be said anyway. Alec knew. It had obviously been eating at him since they had been said. 

“I love you for exactly who you are. And I never,” he emphasized, “never want you to think that you have to try to be anyone else.”

“Magnus,” Alex started, the alcohol slowly beginning to fade from his system. 

“No Alexander. I had absolutely no right to say that to you. Any irritation or anger I had in that moment, it doesn’t justify what I said.”

Alec shrugged, his gaze dropped. “You were rightfully upset.” His voice was low. “I was being unreasonable.”

“But it still doesn’t justify what I said.” The warlock tried to convince. He needed Alec to understand that he was perfect the way he was. That he was loved for being Alexander Lightwood, not because was some extension of others.

By then the serious conversation had cleared the alcohol away. It had not, however, cleared away the insecurities. “But you had a point.”

“No, I didn’t. There was absolutely no truth in what I said in a moment of anger. You are one of the most devastatingly handsome man I have had the pleasure of knowing in hundreds of years. You are a brilliant strategist who leads his people to not only victory but righteousness. You are open hearted and sympathetic. You, my dear Alexander, are a defender of men. And you are the only person that could have jump started my own heart in my era of lifelessness.”

“You could never be lifeless.” Alec’s sweet whisper reached his ears. 

“Whatever impression I may have led you to believe about me when we first met, I stand by what I say at this very moment. Now,” he waggled his finger, “let me finish complimenting you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. 
> 
> =D


End file.
